oh goodness...

have you ever had that insane knees locking, head spinning, stumble over your words, trip over your own two feet, blurry vision, stomach in knots, about to throw up feeling.you are just so nervous that you do not know what to do.nothing is making sense.you want to curl up in a little ball you are freaking out so bad feeling.it has been said that those feelings come when you first realize that you are in love.however these feelings that i have had are not in repercussion of the little man in a big diaper with a million of small heart shaped arrows.the above feelings are those that i would get when i stepped into the house and attempted to talk with one certain person.

now it is not as if this person had fire shooting out of her ears but i could not tell  you what it is.there was just something about her.i should probably explain this person...

     

-she is beautiful.crazy beautiful.her personality is radiant.her smile is bright as the sun.she is in shape.as      it is inappropriate to speak of a womens age i shall not say.however i will say that she has three kids.and still by far does not look old enough to be a mom.she is nice.

i am not sure what it was but i really could never speak with her.all those feelings would just shoot out of my stomach, my toes, arms, fingers, all of it.i might have to say that she intimidated me and not many people have ever been able to do it.i would try so hard.my efforts to fit in were crazy.i would try to speak but nerves would take over and i would just be quiet which at times can most definitely come off as rude or stand offish.i could not come to terms and just suck up my fear and be myself.however everyday i would pray that i would just get over it and i would be close with her.

well now..months and months later i have finally come to terms and gotten over any feeling of discomfort.i can talk to her.text her.have a full conversation and not feel weird.goodness i even can go on hikes with her.i still look up to her and i will not lie sometimes those feelings come rushing back.however now i see her as someone i could go to if i needed.the feeling of discomfort feels good to be gone.who knows maybe one day i could just show up and tell her my life story.perhaps soon i can just show up at her house and offer to help with dinner or something.who knows tomorrow could be the day that i just open my heart and mind and become super close.however tomorrow is tomorrow.and today is today.why live for the future when i could live here and now...