well here we go...

who would have thought that this would have been so hard.of course i did.maybe not at first but i did.

it is rather hard to say goodbye to someone, especially when you love that someone dearly.of course we have erased that word from our version of the new websters dictionary...however it is just not the same.of course we could never utter the words that hurt so much but still it is in the back of someones mind.maybe i should not expect so much.or maybe i should?this is just one of those things that will never make sense.

we let people live a life that we want.we let the people we care about see something, the world.we push and throw and push.and finally it is just so much that we pull back.we cannot keep someone so far.no matter how much we want them to be with us.....

maybe i will get over it tomorrow, maybe next week i will not be so stubborn.however that is the future and this is here and now...

like a champ(:

strength is not defined about the amount of weight that one can lift.it is not determined about how much you can carry.how many mile you can run.if you can dunk a basketball or not.sometimes strength is simply the power to never give up.

today as i sat in the clay red dirt i sat and waited, along with roughly a hundred other girls.we sat in our softball pants and at least twenty different team jerseys.patiently the girlish snickers and anticipation were apparent.slowly out of the away team dug out came a girl in a wheel chair.she wore a hat to cover her head from the repercussion of chemotherapy.she had a cast on her right leg due to the surgery that had taken her knee and a tumor out of her tibia.she could hardly speak.however she mustered up enough courage, wiped the tears following from her eyes.looked at all hundred of us and said thank you.she then left the field and went back out by the stand where all of the benefit money was going to.all of the money was going to paying for the treatment and the commute that they now had to their constant hospital visits.over hundreds and hundreds of dollars were raised.she was young.i mean she is young.

this young women as i will call her has more strength then any man that i have met thus far in my life.other then my dad of course.she has found a way to over come all of those difficult therapies and all of those horrible things she has gone through.i had the opportunity to talk to this young women and she has changed my life.maybe i will be as strong one day.maybe tomorrow strength will just over come m body.however at this moment i pray for her..here and now...

once again..

FEAR:an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat......

the definition of fear as stated above seems pretty straight to the point.however fear can be more then that standard webster dictionary definition.i could attempt to go through the numerous reasons as to why someone would hold fear.like failing a big test.messing up something that seems perfect or possibly even fear of failure.if i had to think about it i could venture to say that everyone in this world in at least one instant has felt some sort of fear.

i normally do not do this but i am fearful for a lot of things.i am afraid of disappointment, well disappointing my parents or my fiance's parents or even my fiance' for that matter.having strived to be a perfectionist i fear things not being in order or messing up.i am deathly afraid of rejection.i am afraid to be alone.to not have a way to my finishing goal.i fear that maybe one day everyone in the world will just see that i am not always strong, that sometimes i cry, and that deep down i get nervous with everything that i do.

all the fear that i have had for the past couple months today i sat in my room.i stared at the unenthusiastic stucco based ceiling and contemplated all of the numerous things i should and should not do.the fear i have had just began to overcome my whole demeanor.i was unable to focus or put forth an effort in any daily activity.i sat staring at the ceiling and finally i did the best thing i could....i prayed...

my biggest prayer was for answers.i spoke with God in the most straight forward way that i knew how.the questions i asked him pilled on.i spoke with him as if He was right there with me.and then i sat, i waited for an answer.i did not know what it was i needed to do to get a response.but finally it hit me like a ton of bricks.God has always been with me.i was never alone.He set all of my fear in its place.the good Lord reassured me that in the end no matter what i do i could never disappoint him.

so there it was..all of my questions answered.there for i have decided to play softball again.once again i am venturing into a sport that fills my heart with excitement.who knows when try outs are.but when they come i will be ready.my biggest challenge will perhaps hit me when i least expect it.it may come tomorrow or years down the road.but at this moment i will continue to speak with God because He is with me here and now...

oh goodness...

have you ever had that insane knees locking, head spinning, stumble over your words, trip over your own two feet, blurry vision, stomach in knots, about to throw up feeling.you are just so nervous that you do not know what to do.nothing is making sense.you want to curl up in a little ball you are freaking out so bad feeling.it has been said that those feelings come when you first realize that you are in love.however these feelings that i have had are not in repercussion of the little man in a big diaper with a million of small heart shaped arrows.the above feelings are those that i would get when i stepped into the house and attempted to talk with one certain person.

now it is not as if this person had fire shooting out of her ears but i could not tell  you what it is.there was just something about her.i should probably explain this person...

     

-she is beautiful.crazy beautiful.her personality is radiant.her smile is bright as the sun.she is in shape.as      it is inappropriate to speak of a womens age i shall not say.however i will say that she has three kids.and still by far does not look old enough to be a mom.she is nice.

i am not sure what it was but i really could never speak with her.all those feelings would just shoot out of my stomach, my toes, arms, fingers, all of it.i might have to say that she intimidated me and not many people have ever been able to do it.i would try so hard.my efforts to fit in were crazy.i would try to speak but nerves would take over and i would just be quiet which at times can most definitely come off as rude or stand offish.i could not come to terms and just suck up my fear and be myself.however everyday i would pray that i would just get over it and i would be close with her.

well now..months and months later i have finally come to terms and gotten over any feeling of discomfort.i can talk to her.text her.have a full conversation and not feel weird.goodness i even can go on hikes with her.i still look up to her and i will not lie sometimes those feelings come rushing back.however now i see her as someone i could go to if i needed.the feeling of discomfort feels good to be gone.who knows maybe one day i could just show up and tell her my life story.perhaps soon i can just show up at her house and offer to help with dinner or something.who knows tomorrow could be the day that i just open my heart and mind and become super close.however tomorrow is tomorrow.and today is today.why live for the future when i could live here and now...

young and in love...

I have always heard the term “bros before hoes”.i have forever thought that the wording it as such was wrong.not every girl is a hoe and just because a guy friend has now found a girl that he wants to be with and she happens to takes his time away from you does not make her a hoe.technically the appropriate definition of a hoe is as follows: a long handled gardening tool.in the dictionary the “hoe” that is explained in the catch phrase for a lack of a better term is in fact spelt ho; as in the laugh that Santa Claus has.it was not until recent times in which children of my computer generation have denied the writing of a dictionary and add an “e” to the end of it.

As I was saying that term, goodness that term.i my self have never used that term.one considering I am a girl.and two well I need not find it necessary to use such a phrase.however due to recent and horrid events I find the need to shout that term in the ear through a megaphone as loud as I possibly can to the,I am sorry if you are reading this, but moronic bestfriend I have.

I am a strong advocate for love.firm believer.always have been and most definitely always will be.however with that I do believe that in most cases your first love will not be your only love.now if you reading this have been one of those fortunate people that have had your first love be your only love, well then I stand and bow down to you while applauding because you have been in the rare few percentage of people that have been able to find a first real love.

My story for you….i have a friend.a rather honest bestfriend.a rather honest intelligent great bestfriend.my bestfriend, he has been hit with Cupids dagger of a love arrow.ahhh to be young and in love.however as much love as he believed he felt, or did or did not really feel love he had been heart broken.

-first before I continue I must say that I do not believe in “breaks”.they are stupid.they mean nothing.and if one really needs a break well then it was not meant to be.maybe that is harsh but it is reality.coming from experience when ever a girl says that she needs a break I can tell you why….there is another boy.and for the time being she wants to do what ever and who ever she pleases….but ask any other high school girl at the moment and without a doubt she would most likely tell you the same thing.unless she is lying.

Any ways this is his first semi real love.it was bound to happen sooner or later.i was extremely happy for him.i had yet to meet her, actually at this point none of us (our”family”that is)happened to be graced with the opportunity of meeting our good friends new fling.they traveled through a couple months.the accurate time I could not tell you,seeing as I was hardly privileged to know about this relationship..or her for that matter.well your dumb and in love.so they messed up a little, as most couples do.i would go into detail however that is not part of my life so I will just leave the human mind to wander.as I was saying they had messed up.nothing too bad just a few tiffs.

Now from what I do know this girl is young.i mean if you thought I was young then she is a baby..a junior to be exact.now love knows no bounds and age is nothing but a number however I cannot deny the fact that age at times does play a small factor in being with anyone.according to what I have pulled from the talks/arguments that my so called bestfriend and I have had she was not ready for a relationship.she could not handle it.it was too much and therefore she left.she left him broken hearted.he could not handle it.i had believed that my bestfriend was strong but when love breaks,it shatters.

It was seen that he had somewhat moved on.he had a new girl in mind.he had loosely dated her.very loose.and no matter how I had perceived her he seemed happy so therefore I did not have much to say.she was a colorful character and after she got him fired, well needless to say I was most definitely not her biggest fan.as  I heard that this girl,the old girl was once again involved.eh some break correct.i do not believe in them however I am willing to say that a break means that one does not involve their self with that person in which they are on a break with.it just seems logical if I do say so my self.

Now to the tough stuff, he asked for my opinion so I gave it to him.i told him what I thought.he would listen but he would not truly hear.so here it was he went back to her.ahh sheer stupidity.nothing more nothing less.i do not care what he does with his life.as dumb as I thought it was I still reluctantly shut my mouth and was for a lack of a better word happy.the thing I do not appreciate is basically getting a screw you im going to do what I want,your opinion means nothing at all to me kind of result.which is what I got.

I normally do not do this but if I am wrong then so be it.i understand that he needs to learn things on his own however with this I do not see it fit that I get shoved out of the way..to top it off well he does not understand the whole matter of the situation.i suppose it is just upsetting cannot be happy when I know that she will just do this again.i feel as if I am just trying to look out for him.but in the end it means nothing.and for that he is willing and oddly enough able to just let go of the friendship that we once had.

Maybe I am being over dramatic.maybe this was just the way it was meant to happen.maybe God did or did not lay this deck of cards out for our friendship.perhaps tomorrow this will all go away.suppose one day we just get better.however those days are to be in the future.though at this moment we are here and now…

a start....

Well here it is, in all honesty I have never been all for blogging.i see my self as one of those people that does not need to tell the whole world what i am feeling. however in request of my new fiance i have decided that maybe blogging is not such a bad thing.  

normally i am a writer.not a typer.i prefer poems.stories or anything else.but for the time being this is just to pass the following months.i may bore a few people,the way i speak may not always suit everyones fancy,my comments, my stories, or anything that follows may not even interest anyone, reading this you may cry, or get furious with me.i however am not here to apologize for my actions or my stories.to me todays society is too worried about what other people think.they are too worried about how the rest of the world is.there is no need to be that way.all politically correct and all of that other nonsense.

i am young.as young as they could come.i was raised right as i would like to think.my intelligence, well i would not say i am a brainiac but rather intelligent if i do say so my self.to some peoples dismay i am very opinionated and headstrong.i do not like to be told i am wrong which at times does get me in trouble,though i learn as i go.i regret nothing....as my mother and father have taught me.there is no need to.all in all no matter what it has been, the good, the bad, or the stupidity they still have supported me.my brother, well that is another story.at the age of two and a half i was no longer an only child.then the spot light was taken away from me with a baby brother.the rough three year difference has been hard.however as time passes and we both mature the distance seems to slowly diminish.

if it was not caught in the beginning of this almost perpetual blog i am engaged.yes we have heard it before we are "too young".at the ages of 18&&19 it would seem young.and i could lie and say that we are far beyond our years and we are 18 going on 40.but that would be a lie.and considering that i do not know who happens to be reading this, lying is not the appropriate way to start a relationship now is it?anyways, we may be young but never the less we are in love.now if you at this moment in time are rolling your eyes, huffing and puffing, or sending any negative energy towards reading this then stop now and save yourself.you see all the nay sayers just upset me.i bet at one point someone once told you that you to were never really in love.however this is not to analyze you or anyone else.and i am not trying to prove anything to anybody.as i was saying i am in love.he is my best friend.and being in love with a best friend.well that is the best thing that anyone could ever ask for.the marriage will come later.a few years.at the moment engaged is perfect.

there it is, all the most pointless to some illogical unnecessary information that one could ever ask for.tomorrow is a new day.a new time to write.a new experience.however that is tomorrow.and this is here and now.until then....(: